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Monday, March 10, 2008

Thank The Gods This Isn't Your Author Photo


Today I introduce the "Thank The Gods This Isn't Your Author Photo" feature!

First up: Maurice Manning.

Whoa, buddy! That's one intense gaze. It makes me think of the lines Jorie Graham (paraphrasing Dickinson) wrote: For one must want/to shut the other's gaze.

Maurice! You're a very handsome man. You have stunning eyes. Swoon! But your facial expression suggests you've just stepped on dog shit. Or caught a whiff of some terrible scent in the air. Did W.S. Merwin just fart?

Did you just come in from the cold in this photo? The tips of your ears, nose are reddish.

This photo kinda of looks like a mug shot. I can safely say you weren't arrested for shoplifting at Macy's or Bloomingdale's. Maurice, are you a mountain man? What's up with that plaid shirt? Even lesbians have stopped wearing plaid!

The blue undershirt brings out the blue of your eyes. Those eyes! I feel like you're trying to hypnotized me!

Wow, I just noticed you have two-toned eyebrows. How metrosexual of you! But I'm guessing you spend so much time outdoors chopping wood and rescuing chipmunks from forest fires that the sunlight has bleached them.

I bet you smell like pine trees. Maurice, I would hang this photo of you on my rearview mirror!

Maurice, you are to be applauded! This isn't your author photo. You often use this photo. You look great in this photo. I thank the Gods the photograph I posted isn't your author photo.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

how derivative. jim behrle did this better and he was funnier. run out of ideas? shut this shit down then.

Eduardo C. Corral said...

Honey, we all know Jim B. is in a class all by his himself.

I've lost track of his blog. Anybody got his latest blog addy?