This post is for the brown-nosing poet who sent me an ass-kissing email.
1. Be specific. Don't just tell me you love my poems. Boring. I say that to other poets all the time. And I don't mean it. Be specific! Hint: I turn red when people praise my images. Red is good.
2. The "C" in Chicano is always capitalized.
3. Don't start your email with, "Do you remember me from AWP." Darling, I don't remember you. I only remember James Hall. Start your email by stating your name.
4. Do tell me "I can't wait to read your book when it comes out."
5. Dean Young is not King.
6. Don't ask me if I've read Lorca. Please.
7. Don't ask for the email addresses of my Iowa teachers. I don't have them. They sucked. Except for Marvin Bell. And there's no way in hell I'm giving you his private email address.
8. You believe in the sonnet??? Big deal. And what exactly does that mean?
9. So we both like men. That doesn't make us sisters.
10. Yes, I went to school with Spencer Short. But guess what? Even Spencer Short doesn't like Spenser Short.
11. Don't try to impress me with the ranking of your MFA program.
12. Don't tell me you read my blog everyday. Creepy. Though I read C. Dale's blog every day. Does that make me creepy? Hey, this isn't about me!
13. Gossip is good. Tell me all you know. I won't tell anyone.
15. Don't bad-mouth other bloggers.
16. Don't tell me Daniel Nester is white and ugly. I know that. But I like ugly.
17. Do send me a list of your favorite poets. It tells me a lot about you. I'm glad you're reading both Roberts: Hayden and Duncan.
18. Guess what, buddy? MFA=Mother Fucking Assholes.
19. I love similes. If you don't love similes there can be no commerce between us.
20. Yes, go ahead. Submit to The New Yorker.