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Monday, July 10, 2006

Brown Nosing 101

This post is for the brown-nosing poet who sent me an ass-kissing email.

1. Be specific. Don't just tell me you love my poems. Boring. I say that to other poets all the time. And I don't mean it. Be specific! Hint: I turn red when people praise my images. Red is good.
2. The "C" in Chicano is always capitalized.
3. Don't start your email with, "Do you remember me from AWP." Darling, I don't remember you. I only remember James Hall. Start your email by stating your name.
4. Do tell me "I can't wait to read your book when it comes out."
5. Dean Young is not King.
6. Don't ask me if I've read Lorca. Please.
7. Don't ask for the email addresses of my Iowa teachers. I don't have them. They sucked. Except for Marvin Bell. And there's no way in hell I'm giving you his private email address.
8. You believe in the sonnet??? Big deal. And what exactly does that mean?
9. So we both like men. That doesn't make us sisters.
10. Yes, I went to school with Spencer Short. But guess what? Even Spencer Short doesn't like Spenser Short.
11. Don't try to impress me with the ranking of your MFA program.
12. Don't tell me you read my blog everyday. Creepy. Though I read C. Dale's blog every day. Does that make me creepy? Hey, this isn't about me!
13. Gossip is good. Tell me all you know. I won't tell anyone.
15. Don't bad-mouth other bloggers.
16. Don't tell me Daniel Nester is white and ugly. I know that. But I like ugly.
17. Do send me a list of your favorite poets. It tells me a lot about you. I'm glad you're reading both Roberts: Hayden and Duncan.
18. Guess what, buddy? MFA=Mother Fucking Assholes.
19. I love similes. If you don't love similes there can be no commerce between us.
20. Yes, go ahead. Submit to The New Yorker.


Matthew Guenette said...

1. Specifically, I love the part in your poems where the bus full of horny teenagers playing cards parallel parks outside the rockabilly museum.
2. The "C" in Chicano is only capitalized under vibrant conditions.
3. Don't start your email with, "Do you remember me from AWP?" Do start your email with "Do you remember that hostage we took at AWP?"
4. "I can't wait to read your book when it comes out."
5. Dean Young IS a king, of turbulence, and sometimes Thursday.
6. Have you read Lorca’s cousin, Orca?
7. Could you give me the email address to Marvin Bell’s Deadman? I have his no-talent shoes…
8. I believe in the sonnet. This means I believe in cats, Romeo, and bar fights.
9. Actually I don’t like men, not sexaully anyway. Does THAT make us sisters?
10. Does Spenser Short like Josh Bell? Cause he really should…
11. My MFA program has a black belt in truck driving.
12. I read your blog every OTHER day.
13. Gossip: X boned Y in the study with a candlestick…
15. Can I bad mouth other BAD bloggers?
16. Don't tell me Daniel Nester is not white and not ugly!
17. Favorite Poets: Duhamel, Halliday, Young, Gerstler, Bell, Guest, Me…
18. MFA=Made For Iowa
19. If you REALLY love similes, you could have said, “I love similes. If you don't love similes there can be no dodo between us?”
20. Yes, go ahead. Submit to The New Yorker. But only if your dead, or your poetry is dead.

Eduardo C. Corral said...

New Crush: Matthew Guenette

Radish King said...

You're my mean girl hero.

Charles said...

"You know what people say about you? They say you're a home-schooled jungle freak who's just a less hot version of me."

Steven D. Schroeder said...

1. I never tell anyone I like their poems without having at least one specific poem in mind I can talk about if I get called on it.
2. I can't even say the word "Chicano" without sounding super-white. So I don't, much.
3. I try to start all my e-mails to poets with "Hey, baby!"
4. I can't wait to read your book when it comes out. (Translation: I will try to mooch a review copy.)
5. There should be at least one poet with the first name "King." Maybe that will be my new pen name.
6. I think I've heard of that guy.
7. Can you set me up on a blind date?
8. To some people, the sonnet is like Santa Claus. Or the flat earth.
9. If I like women, does that make me your second cousin's ex-brother-in-law?
10. Who the F is Spencer Short, and is it spelled with an s or a c?
11. My MFA program is ranked infinity.
12. Sometimes I read my blog every day. And then I start obsessively clicking blog links. I have a problem.
13. I already told all my good Mark Strand stories.
14. What happened to 14?
15. I suck.
16. Furthermore, I'm white and ugly.
17. I hate listing my favorite poets. Seriously.
18. More Fringe Art
19. Did someone really tell you they didn't like similes? That is like . . . uhhhh . . . something.

Collin said...

Meow, Eduardo! Next you'll be telling the poor bastard to move the plant when he cleans the floor. ;-)

Justin Evans said...

1. I liked the letter you sent me from the Ronald McDonald Colonoscopy.

2. The "W" in White Trash is always capitalized.

3. I’m Justin Evans. Do you remember me from such hits as my letters to you while you were trapped in your cabin?

4. I can’t wait to read your book when it comes out, as long as there are pictures because books without pictures are boring.

5. Dean Young is not King, but Don King sure as Hell is!

6. Have you read Pablo Neruda? My high school English teacher told me about him. He’s really cool, especially how he is able to write so many poems in Spanish!

7. Who is Marvin Bell? is he like related to Catharine Bell from JAG?

8. I believe the children are our future, except for my nephew---he’s got leukemia.

9. I like cheese.

10. I don’t know Spencer Short, but I do know Gary Short. I think you made that name up, anyways. I mean, who names their kid, “Spencer?”

11. I invented the MFA, bitch!

12. I read your blog every day. No, I really do. I’m not some poseur.

13. Mark Strand has a big ego!

15. I can’t stand C. Dale. Who does he think he is by not inviting me to his wedding? That little bitch!

16. Daniel Nester is not white and ugly. He’s more of a creamed tan and ugly.

17. Robert Service, Pablo Neruda (mostly his English poems---Spanish is so stuck-up!) Fred Garcia Orca, Li’l Kim, and you.

18. MFA= More Faries Assimilate

19. Reading your blog is like a red, red rose. Your blog is an eagle, soaring high above the ocean.

20. I already subbed to the New Yorker. They wrote e back and told me I needed to send them a poem next time. They suck.

Charles said...


Daniel Nester said...

Just for the record, I prefer "pasty."

Laurel said...

You fucking crack me UP! I love you, Eduardo!!!

1. When people ask me what poetry I like (these days) I tell them Roald Dahl.
2. What's with the Chicano, Latino, Xicano thing? Please explain the rules... I just got "Oriental" all figured out. This country/culture sucks, and I'm a big white part of it. I'm so ashamed.
3. It doesn't matter what the first line of an email is, so long as there are exclamation points!!!
4. I'm jealous you'll get a book first.
5. Dean Young is wonderful.
6. I read Lorca in college, but not much since. I should really read more.
7. I have the email addresses, they do me no good. Except for Marvin. I love Marvin, but you know that. How many of those seminars did we take together?
8. The Sonnet mows my lawn. Capitalized?
9. Ooh, I like me... but not (I fear for my husbands sake) as much as you do. I think maybe gay men like men more than straight women like men OR women.
10. You're correct. But he's funny as fuck.
11. Then how can I impress you?
12. Blogs are my demise. I am weaning myself.
13. I have good gossip.
15. Be prepared to apologize.
16. Dan Nester is cute!
17. My favorite poets only reveal how underread I am. I also still listen to the CDs I had in high school.
18. MFA=Money For Apathy
19. I actually think similes are wimpy. My metaphor will kick your simile's ass.
20. I submit.

32poems said...

Charles, You suck. Justin Evans is MY new crush.

David Bond said...

Eduardo-You are SO clever--I see why you got the best studio at MacDowell! I also see that Matt G., Josh, and Paul are still writing--good men all. As you can tell, I don't read your blog that often, but it's certainly more interesting than any poem I've ever read in the New Yorker. I see that Julian is proceeding with his audio book. Now when is "Throatlatch" due out? See you, my friend-David

Spencer Short said...

I love myself. More - and more intimately - every day.